500 and 500 more.

Final beta & progesterone tomorrow - the anxiety doesn’t let up at all. 

I’m pondering what to do about scans, but then panic & think I’m getting ahead of myself completely. I have an NHS (free) one on the 9th of March - they won’t measure the HR & will calculate from LMP not ovulation day (so I’ll be 3-4 days behind what I should be). I got my first clot at 9 weeks last time. So maybe a private scan at 8 weeks? Or wait until 9? Ha ha if I get that far.

I’ve just booked a holiday for the week starting October the 23rd - EDD is 27th - lets hope we lose the deposit.

ETA (and this is really morbid) - I find myself part of a ‘due in’ pregnancy club (of infertiles), I didn’t mean to & I never have before but some how I am. Anyway there are 28 of us posting, what proportion will miscarry? 25%? About seven of us? One is out already, I wonder how long until I join her? I feel like we’re all posting & being ’supportive’ and at the sma etime sitting at home saying ‘please not me, please not me’; it is very odd.

I’ve got a lot of symptoms now, progesterone boobs still but I’m very tired, sick, emotional & bloody clutzy (I burnt the toast for breakfast three time this morning). If I’m going to lose this one at least I shouldn’t have weeks of feeling crap first.

12dpo = 80

14dpo = 205

19dpo = 944

Doubling time has really slowed down (56 hours now (47 hours from the first beta)) from 36 hours, and it looks like it is starting to go wrong now. It should still be doubling much faster than that, I think it is over 1200 that it starts to slow down. Fucking betas!

No more betas, scan is booked for 9th Match.

We’ve increased the heparin & prometrium, it might be some kind of immune flare; but I feel like I’m grasping at straws (again). Simon keeps reminding me how much better it is than last time (& it is - at 20dpo it was 166), my beta now is what it was exactly a week later. Trouble is, it doesn’t work that way, being better doesn’t really mean anything.

Last time there was definitely something odd going on with the placenta - shit betas, growth restriction, retroplacental clots & then the abruption. That could be caused by the NK issues, the APS or even by the anticoagulation. I feel that we’re headed down the same path, & with no real plan or more information it looks doomed again.

I had the blood taken this morning (19dpo, a week since the last one), I still haven’t got any pregnancy symptoms. Tbh I’m trying to ignore the whole thing as much as possible - I nearly didn’t go for the beta today, I’m not sure what good it’ll do.

I’ve been trying to stay away from the computer as much as possible - I am powerless as far as this pregnancy goes, I just want to get through intact. I can’t help comparing myself to other people. This is the beginning of crunch time for me - 5w 5 days tomorrow.

I’ve finished a week long course of dexamethasone - in the hope that it’ll damp down any NK flare I get (my levels had gone back to normal by 6 and a half weeks last time), we aren’t going to be using IVIg this time. I’m still taking aspirin everyday and a very low dose of clexane (lovenox) I am so unsure about this - I’m convinced it contributed to the mc last time. I’ve had another APS check and if the levels come back normal (they’ve only been elevated once out of four tests now) I’m stopping it asap. I’m also taking two prometrium suppositories a day.

We’re raising the stakes here:

14dpo = 205

Doubling time is around 35 hours.

Did I say holy fuck?

Now let me continue to count the ways this can go wrong … but holy fuck it doubled!!!

Repeat tomorrow (need to be >850) - still no symptoms & pee sticks aren’t darker.

I was supposed to get the results back an hour and a half ago - but apparently they are ‘too busy’ and I need to wait another hour (what’s the betting I call back when they are all out at lunch).

Now I’m worried that they didn’t tell me because they need a few minutes for tthe bad news ‘counselling’, arrrgggghhh this is hard.

Stupid question really, none of us have done anything to deserve it, but I’m now realising how ill equiped I am to deal with getting bad news.

I cried for many hours last night - I am not in a good place to deal with another loss. If I thought that there was any realistic chance of the clomid/inj cycle working I wouldn’t have done it.  

The tests are not getting darker - the ones today are the same as when I got a beta of 130 last time, it need to be double that by now if there’s an chance of it working out.

I have no symptoms apart from sore boobs (?progesterone).

At least tomorrow it should be over one way or another.

Oh I almost forgot - if (hell freezes over etc) this pregnancy continues my first scan is booked for March 9th, the day we are going to our first recurrent loss group. I’m taking that as a bad omen.

I’ve used up the last of my hpts, which is a blessing really because I won’t buy any more & I simply can’t resist them while they are in the house. I must pee.

I don’t know if the lines are getting darker, they should be, but I can’t say for sure they are. They were definitely darker between 12dpo & 15dpo, but I can’t tell if they are still darkening. The lines aren’t as dark as the controls yet. I’m trying to make myself believe that it doesn’t mean anything, but I’m not doing very well at it.

Hell! When is someone going to produce a quantitive beta HCG test for home use? Think of the environmental benefits of not wasting all that plastic. Not to mention the improvement in mental health. 

I need to know the next beta number, but I don’t want to because that might mean it is the end and that would just suck.

I’m taking 2x 100mg prometrium suppositories twice a day (better safe than sorry) - so of course I’m convinced that any symptoms I have are just the progsterone talking.

I am so not being cool & calm & collected, Zen doesn’t apply here.

12dpo HCG = 80

I had it drawn again today (14dpo). First +ve hpt was at 11dpo on the 14th, it was an ultra sensitive test (10iu) strip & the line was pretty faint. At 12dpo the line was darker but still what I’d describe as faint, yesterday (13dpo) it was much darker so I’m assuming in increased from 80. But today the line is exactly the same - both taken with fmu, if anything the urine was more concentrated today. You see where I’m going? It should have got darker, it didn’t, the beta from today needs to be >160 … what if it isn’t?

And symptoms … ha ha … symptoms 11dpo nothing I got the shock of my life when I saw the second line. 12dpo, my boobs hurt a bit when I walked to the car = good (in my warped habitual aborter mind); 13dpo we’ve hit pay dirt - I hurled my tea & prenatals! Yes! Game on! Today - 14dpo - nothing, I am in fact freaking & I feel so completely normal that I quite fancy a margarita.    

Damn - where’s the acceptance when you need it?

ETA - I just did another one (groan) much less concentrated wee, line is still as dark. This is really dull isn’t? BUT I have also managed to find the conversion from UK to US units for progsterone

http://www.unc.edu/~rowlett/units/scales/clinical_data.html

So my progesterone (with no supplementation) was 33.3, I think that’s pretty good at least (it was a measly 14.1 with masses of cycolgest last time).

Oh & can I be more like Jo please?