500 and 500 more.

Well now I just dream about blood which is, of course, infinitely better than real life blood (which there hasn’t been). I should be ten weeks tomorrow, which I’d be happy about if I had any idea that I wasn’t lugging around a very dead embryo/fetus. Time is playing serious tricks on me, it has been less than a week since my last scan & it feels like an eternity (all those many hours for fetal demise to occur) but I’m only six days more pregnant than I was.

I’m feeling better - I wasn’t sick yesterday - the fog is lifting a bit (I was still awake at 10 pm last night), I don’t really feel that pregnant anymore. I have to call the hospital on Tuesday to arrange my next scan (hopefully it’ll be within a week of that), but not having a date to fix on is hard. I fucking hate the NHS scans too, they’re clueless.

I’m trying to tell myself that it is more likely it is alive than dead but I don’t believe it.

Just fuck.  

It was about now that it started going down the shitter last time - I keep trying to remind myself how different the pregnancies are (my betas were 2 weeks ahead this time & by 9 weeks last time I had a uterus full of blood & baby was measuring a week behind) - my subconcious is constantly working through it.

The last two nights I’ve had the oddest dreams; in the first I was being scanned  and Estella’s body was still there & they had to do a ventousse delivery on it. Then last night I dreamt that we had hired Rose from Lost as a gestational surrogate and were transferring the fetus to her.

Its not really much fun - my next scan is in 19 days, I just need to ignore it some more.

Okay I have got something to say, I am very, very depressed - yes really. What a bitch hey?

The scan yesterday didn’t make me feel happy, the unremitting nausea doesn’t reassure me. I am not getting a doppler this time, I do not want to get attached to this baby (I haven’t even looked at the scan picture they gave us). I am so acutely aware that it can all be taken away at any moment, the little life is precarious and no amount of puking or scans or hearing the heart beat is going to change that fact. I don’t have any magical thoughts that will protect me or it, I’ve used up all my resources and now I am beyond even being scared.

I have a midwife appointment on Tuesday, I don’t want it but I’m playing along. It seems completely pointless. 

I’m 9 weeks today. I haven’t been thinking or talking or writing about the pregnancy. We had a scan this afternoon and everything was good (perfect?), the baby measured 2 days ahead, the sac was 3 days ahead, heart rate was 178. The placenta has formed & is clot free. I will continue with my meds - progesterone, prednisolone, clexane, aspirin & metformin - for a while longer.

There’s not much to say, I keep thinking about what Jo (Leery Polyp) wrote once about the heart that keeps beating whether she’s listening or not. That’s all I want right now - please keep growing & beating. 

The next scan is in three weeks, we’ve declined the nuchal so it’ll just be a growth check.

No symptoms at all for 2 days (baring in mind that at 7 weeks I should be at the peak of my nausea), this is not a good time for pregnancy symptoms to wane - the rest of the internet is merrily vomiting. I feel like someone has waved a magic wand and killed my embryo (? fetus now maybe).

I can’t get my head around it - I am consumed by the belief that it is all over. I wanted this to work so badly for C & for Simon, they deserve so mcuh better than this. 

1. blighted ovum

2. no heart beat

3. small for dates

4. slow heart beat

5. hematomas

6. everything is okay

Of course I forgot ectopic - that’s probably unlikely though? (Famous last words.)

It really is very dull here, I’m ostensibly ignoring the p-thing but it is at the back of my mind making me anxious. I haven’t had any spotting/bleeding so I assume this won’t be miscarriage type 1 (bleeding at five-ish weeks) so we’re looking at no h/b at the scan or h/b then rapid fetal demise.

I keep looking at the beta numbers trying to divine the future - obviously it is completely futile, people miscarry with much better numbers than me. I’ve only had betas done in one other pregnancy so I don’t even have much to compare them to, I’m back to the symptom obsession then. I had dreadful nausea & vomiting from about 6 weeks in C’s pregnancy - I haven’t had it in any of the others. I was pretty pleased then on Monday when I started feeling shite and when it got worse on Tuesday & continued for the next two days I thought it was great. On Friday when I woke up feeling fine I tried not to panic, but today I feel utterly normal so I’m putting my money on no h/b at first scan.

I’m trying to be detatched, I really am - and the reason I can’t is because the Last Chance Desperation is setting in. I don’t know why we keep losing pregnancies, PCOS? Immune stuff? Bad luck? But what I do know is that it is not easy for us to get pregnant in the first place, when you add huge medical bills and dwindling chanes of success on top of recurrent loss it is really fucking scary. Maybe if I thought after I lose this one we’ll have a couple of cycles off, shag & voila we’ll be back on the horse again it would be easier to endure. But it won’t happy like that.

I have to obtain more clexane today - the stuff is fucking expensive & the GP isn’t going to fund it - seems a complete waste of money, but I have to go through the motions until Thursday.

Someone asked me if I’ve told anyone IRL - yeah right & I’ve gone out a bought a new maternity wardrobe & stroller. People are idiots.

Damn! Where’s betabase whe you need it?

I’ve just had a stupid email argument with ‘egg donor’ woman (she offered me her eggs with no knowledge of what that entailed without giving a passing thought to any one of the 1000 reasons why I would never accept) - pointless & tiring but it has put me in a bad mood.

We’ve cancelled the NHS scan & booked one at the Fetal Medicine Center for next Thursday. Simon is starting to stress & that freaks me out. I’m working on Monday & I don’t want to, I don’t want to go in again for another beta. I don’t want to fight with my GP about getting my heparin funded.

I want to stay in bed, hide from everyone & preferably fast forward 7 or 8 months.

…. or 26dpo beta today was 12,493, which is oddly almost identical to the last beta I had done in Estella’s pregnancy at 7 weeks 6 days. The doubling is almost exactly 48 hours, which is good. Hope is taking up residence again. Progesterone was pretty much the same at 27 (despite the increase in suppositories) he wants me to retest on Friday & consider going back on PIO. I’m too tired to worry about it right now.

I was offered a scan for Monday (6 weeks 3), but since I have one booked for Thursday I think I’ll wait - no need to destroy Hope so quickly.