It really is very dull here, I’m ostensibly ignoring the p-thing but it is at the back of my mind making me anxious. I haven’t had any spotting/bleeding so I assume this won’t be miscarriage type 1 (bleeding at five-ish weeks) so we’re looking at no h/b at the scan or h/b then rapid fetal demise.
I keep looking at the beta numbers trying to divine the future - obviously it is completely futile, people miscarry with much better numbers than me. I’ve only had betas done in one other pregnancy so I don’t even have much to compare them to, I’m back to the symptom obsession then. I had dreadful nausea & vomiting from about 6 weeks in C’s pregnancy - I haven’t had it in any of the others. I was pretty pleased then on Monday when I started feeling shite and when it got worse on Tuesday & continued for the next two days I thought it was great. On Friday when I woke up feeling fine I tried not to panic, but today I feel utterly normal so I’m putting my money on no h/b at first scan.
I’m trying to be detatched, I really am - and the reason I can’t is because the Last Chance Desperation is setting in. I don’t know why we keep losing pregnancies, PCOS? Immune stuff? Bad luck? But what I do know is that it is not easy for us to get pregnant in the first place, when you add huge medical bills and dwindling chanes of success on top of recurrent loss it is really fucking scary. Maybe if I thought after I lose this one we’ll have a couple of cycles off, shag & voila we’ll be back on the horse again it would be easier to endure. But it won’t happy like that.
I have to obtain more clexane today - the stuff is fucking expensive & the GP isn’t going to fund it - seems a complete waste of money, but I have to go through the motions until Thursday.
Someone asked me if I’ve told anyone IRL - yeah right & I’ve gone out a bought a new maternity wardrobe & stroller. People are idiots.
Damn! Where’s betabase whe you need it?
