Okay I have got something to say, I am very, very depressed - yes really. What a bitch hey?

The scan yesterday didn’t make me feel happy, the unremitting nausea doesn’t reassure me. I am not getting a doppler this time, I do not want to get attached to this baby (I haven’t even looked at the scan picture they gave us). I am so acutely aware that it can all be taken away at any moment, the little life is precarious and no amount of puking or scans or hearing the heart beat is going to change that fact. I don’t have any magical thoughts that will protect me or it, I’ve used up all my resources and now I am beyond even being scared.

I have a midwife appointment on Tuesday, I don’t want it but I’m playing along. It seems completely pointless.