UncategorizedJune 21, 2006 2:40 pm

I did something

I saw my midwife yesterday - standard antenatal stuff, BP, urine, fetal heart, FBC & measure the fundus (a whopping 26cm so I’m officially large for dates & will probably need a GTT in a couple of weeks). We agreed that I didn’t need the extra scan since the private one that I had done was a hell of a lot more thorough than the NHS version, so I cancelled that today.

This morning I had to go into the pit that is Toys’r'us to buy my niece a birthday present & I bought something baby related. I picked up & put it down & walked to and from the till with it about six times before I handed over the plastic. A baby gown - my reasoning being they are really hard to find anymore (I much prefer them to rompers/sleepsuits for newborns) and anyway if he dies now he’ll need something to be buried in.

I am a fuck up.  

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Pregnancy #7June 19, 2006 10:41 am

The Old Black Dog

I’m 22 weeks pregnant tomorrow & the Black Dog is visiting. I am very depressed, I’m spent two of the last 3 days leaking, dripping tears endlessly. I feel like I am drowning, overwhelmed by sorrow & shit.

On top of the crap that is being dealt out liberally throughout Blog Land, my friend and two time cycle buddy has had devastating news that seems to get worse daily and she is now faced with at best a selective reduction of twins to a singelton at 32 weeks, at worse the loss of both babies. I’m reeling from her news, I’d thought I’d considered pretty much every dire outcome but this is a new one to me. The consition affecting her son is progressive, it wasn’t picked up at a Level II scan at 18 weeks but was obvious at her next scan at 22 weeks.

My MIL has returned all our young baby clothes, S is beginning to talk as if we will have a baby (a son!) in October. C still doesn’t know, I still haven’t said ‘I’m pregnant’ out loud.

I am habituated to grief & disappointment and I find it as hard to imagine those wounds healing as I do having a live, healthy baby in four months.

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Pregnancy #7June 7, 2006 7:11 am

Luck

It was all okay, for us anyway, other people had an utterly shit day yesterday (Thalia, Pamplemousse, the couple from an IVF board I post on who lost their son & daughter at 20 weeks). I’ll never understand all that crap; maybe there’s no understanding, just entirely random biological events that humans look for patterns in. It isn’t fair though.

I might post more about yesterday another time.

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Pregnancy #7June 3, 2006 7:52 pm

What I want

On Tuesday I want to be able to write ‘its all okay, its healthy, placenta is fine, cervix is fine’.

I might even want to write ‘its a …’.

I want to start worrying about how to tell C, my difficulty is that I can’t imagine saying ‘you are going to have a baby brother/sister’ - what is she doesn’t? What if it dies after I’ve told her? She is still pretty traumatized by Estella’s death, a few times a weeks she’ll say ‘its lucky I didn’t die in your tummy Mummy’; she often tells people (complete strangers in the supermarket) as many ways she can think of that babies can die.

I want to be able to put some of the fear in a box in my head and redirect some of the vast amount of energy that being fucking terrified the whole time takes into reconnecting with my friends.

I want to be able to view pregnancy (this one/any one) as a means of procuring a child rather than just a colossal waste of time, money, health (mental & physical) which will inevitably lead to great misery for many people.

Instead when I feel the baby kick & roll I think ‘I can’t protect you’. I feel so fucking powerless.

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