On Tuesday I want to be able to write ‘its all okay, its healthy, placenta is fine, cervix is fine’.
I might even want to write ‘its a …’.
I want to start worrying about how to tell C, my difficulty is that I can’t imagine saying ‘you are going to have a baby brother/sister’ - what is she doesn’t? What if it dies after I’ve told her? She is still pretty traumatized by Estella’s death, a few times a weeks she’ll say ‘its lucky I didn’t die in your tummy Mummy’; she often tells people (complete strangers in the supermarket) as many ways she can think of that babies can die.
I want to be able to put some of the fear in a box in my head and redirect some of the vast amount of energy that being fucking terrified the whole time takes into reconnecting with my friends.
I want to be able to view pregnancy (this one/any one) as a means of procuring a child rather than just a colossal waste of time, money, health (mental & physical) which will inevitably lead to great misery for many people.
Instead when I feel the baby kick & roll I think ‘I can’t protect you’. I feel so fucking powerless.
