Stopped countingNovember 29, 2008 12:47 pm

Last night

I was lying in bed debating whether or not to get the doppler out when I started running through the dead baby scenario - next scan, grim faces, no heart beat, telling Simon it has happened again, arranging childcare. I hate it, I hate it, I want to stop those thought but they keep sneaking in.

When I went to the loo this morning there was a blob of brown CM. Rather than spend the next week waiting to miscarry I decided to try the doppler. Found it pretty quickly - 145bmp.

And I thought to myself - so what? It doesn’t really mean anything.  

Today’s worries - lots of CM & the brown stuff - cervix dilating? Heart rate - too slow? Movement - didn’t hear any, meaning what?

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Stopped countingNovember 25, 2008 7:36 pm

Have an EDD

29th May.

I’m 13+4 today, have been scanned twice in the last week. We opted out of the nuchal again (I wouldn’t have invasive testing on the basis of an elevated nuchal so there’s not much point in being stressed by it) so the 12 week scan was just growth (63mm), & basic look around (skull, brain, heart, stomach, spine, arms/legs, feet/hands) and all appeared to be as it should be.

Also had a consultant appointment where she scanned me again. It isn’t very interesting, I have another appointment in two weeks. 

I’m down to 5mg of prednisolone & I feel like crap - very sick, headaches, still not sleeping well.

Don’t feel reassured.

Every time I share a due date with someone I’m the one who ends up without the baby. That really sucks. 

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Pregnancy #8November 14, 2008 1:18 pm

Actually

it’s been four months. I’m the only one that notices though.

Hurts pretty bad. He’d have been born in four and a half weeks. The nightmare would be over, I wouldn’t be here terrified & sick & sad. 

I miss you, I’m sorry. 

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Stopped countingNovember 13, 2008 4:27 pm

Only been a day

since my last ‘I’m so scared’ post. So I can’t really say it again.

Specifically, I am scared that the scan next week will show I’ve had a mmc. I keep finding myself wondering whether I should have another ERPC if that is the case. The root cause of this anxiety is (i) I think baby was measuring a couple of days behond at the last scan, that scares me, a lot (ii) I haven’t got a bump - at all. This is my 5th pregnancy that has made it to the second trimester, with Toby I felt very pregnant, with a little bump this point.

I still feel very sick.

I’m wondering what will happen if the baby is dead. 

I hate the steroids. 

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Stopped countingNovember 12, 2008 9:23 am

Eight days

anxious/depressed/miserable doesn’t really cover it.

Eight days until the next scan, I’ve been really busy but it isn’t helping. I still feel sick but the fear of a missed mc won’t go away. Usually by this point I have that full/uncomfortable pregnant feeling & nasty ligament pain - nothing this time. I need to arrange childcare but I’m avoiding it, I don’t even know if I want S to come with me.

Don’t think this was avery good idea.

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UncategorizedNovember 5, 2008 12:26 pm

not kidding anyone

I am extremely anxious about the last scan. Still over 2 weeks until the next one.

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