500 and 500 more.

I’ve been feeling unsettled since the scan, the numbers don’t add up to me.

1st scan was at 6w6 and crl was 11.5mm, at the same gestation J was 8.8mm - I’m sure they over measured by a couple of mm at least.

2nd scan was 8w6 and crl was 21.5mm, from memory I’m fairly sure J at 9w1 day was 24mm & was measuring a couple of days ahead. Estella at 9w6 (from EC) was 21.2mm which the FMC dated at 9 weeks.

So 21mm is fine for 9 weeks & they were inaccurate with the first scan.  

I’m feeling scared because the measurement is so close to Stella’s - which is just superstitious.

And silly. 

None of this really means anything but I need to get it out of my head.  

Our son was born at 38+3 weighing a little over 7 pounds.

He is perfect and beautiful and healthy.

That’s the end for us … a wonderful end.

I feel completely isolated, it is probably my own fault. I am so vulnerable at the moment, I’m keeping things together somehow but I’m just crying inside. I do not want to be the needy, neurotic friend so I can’t tell anyone that … and because that’s all I’ve got to say at the moment I can’t tell anyone anything. I hate being weak and pathetic and I’m stubborn. So here I am all on my own & not doing brilliantly. 

34 days … 34 days.

33+3 … we have so much to do & despite being a staunch member of the ‘babies don’t need that much stuff’ club I’m starting to panic.

• Car seat - nope, we’ve chosen one & do have the money for it though.
• Pram - nope.
• Sling - nope, going to wait until J is home, I won’t be able to sling for a good few weeks post section anyway.
• Cot - in pieces in the loft somewhere, no mattress, no room to put it up because there are too many boxes in our room (can’t unpack the boxes yet because no storage).
• Baby clothes - have a large box full, not sure of what because we have nowhere to put them.
• Nappies - have a few but seem to have lost the most containing most of them.
• Breast pump - yup, but can’t find the steriliser.
• Cot bedding/blankets etc - think we’re okay here but I wanted to try a swaddling blanket (I’ll probably end up forgetting about it).
• Hats - baby has loads of hats.  
• Bath stuff - have a baby bath chair somewhere, I’ve never bothered with all the baby bath stuff.
• Changing mat - nope but I found the changing mat cover.
• Hospital bags - not packed, no lists made.  
• Postnatal stuff (pads, breast pads, clothes etc) for me - nope   

Of course this is overshadowed by the fact that we still don’t have plumbing in the kitchen or any electricity downstairs tra la la!

I’ve given up even the pretence that I’ll try and make this interesting. Less than seven weeks to go - C asks a couple of times a day how many days until he is born. My HB is crashing, just above 10 now despite 400mg of ferrous sulphate; I’ve upped it to 600 & will recheck in two weeks. With C is got down to 6.8 then I had a PPH - it took a year before I felt vaguely human again, I can’t go there. again.

We went to look at car seats, I’m debating buying a crib (we didn’t get one for C but have much less room in the current state of chaos), J is very active. I suppose all is well.

Surely I can stay sane for eight weeks (?).

Antenatal appointment today - all was well, BP/urine fundus measuring a couple of weeks ahead which is fine, FH was strong & reactive & the midwife got a couple of big kicks. Took an FBC to see what my platelets & haemoglobin are up to. I have no complaints except the hideous heart burn.

I have the perinatologist next week & another growth scan, then fortnightly appointments until 36 weeks then it’ll be weekly.

We went on holiday last week, camping with friends by the sea. It was lovely, I was suddenly struck that I am quite pregnant. Very odd.

I finished knitting a couple of wool soakers & I want to make some bibs like Shelba’s next.

Contractions didn’t amount to anything except a whole night of worrying. Cervix is unchanged, not the longest in the world but ‘adequate’ (?). We & the doctors are still debating the steroid issue, ironically we discussed it at my last appointment and decided it wasn’t necessary, another set of BHs like that though & I’ll change my mind.

Unremitting DBTs ~ J always has a very active hour at about 6am and 10pm, not for the last two days though. C is anxious about him (lots of will he die/what will happen if he dies questions), that is by far the hardest thing that I have to deal with.

I need to sort out getting a carseat & pram thingie - C’s stuff has long since been donated. I have incredible inertia committing to it.

My friend had twins at 30 weeks, one didn’t survive. I know nothing I say will comfort her so why am I finding it so hard to write the ‘perfect’ condolence/congratulations card? She’ll be burying her son next week - how fucked is that?

My horrible, horrible cats just brought me a crippled baby vole, bastards.

I’m quite enjoying being the person who ruined Ingratiating Troll’s faith in humanity though, maybe I should get a T-shirt made.

Oh and why am I still jealous of the woman who has 12 blasts frozen? Will it ever stop?

I’m having a hell of a lot of Braxton Hicks (at least I assume that’s what they are - painless tightenings?). I’m 29+5, I didn’t have any in C’s pregnancy & have no idea if they are normal or not.

Have been busy painting & unpacking boxes today, maybe I’ve just over done it a bit.

J is very active & HR is fine.