it’s been four months. I’m the only one that notices though.
Hurts pretty bad. He’d have been born in four and a half weeks. The nightmare would be over, I wouldn’t be here terrified & sick & sad.
I miss you, I’m sorry.
PM found nothing wrong - Toby was absolutely as he should be for his gestation, the placenta was normal, all my results were normal. No active infections - I’m immune to parvovirus, CMV, toxoplasmosis and rubella (the big nasties for pregnancy) - nothing to suggest that infection was the cause of his death. My clotting results were categorically normal - I believe the anticardiolipin level was <2. Well that’s what we’ve been told anyway, I have a copy of the PM & all my notes but haven’t been able to open them yet.
OB would be confident of a good outcome ‘next time’ if we were any other couple but as it is she wouldn’t like to hazard a guess about what’s going on or what will happen. She has agreed that ‘next time’ I’ll be taking 25mg/day prednisolone, 150mg/day of aspirin and 20mg/day of clexane form a positive. Absolutely no evidence to support it’s use but at least we tried (that was what I had in my last successful pregnancy). I don’t have APLS, I’m sure of that, NK cell stuff? Maybe, I’m not convinced & tbh I don’t really care there’s nothing we can try beyond steroids/anticoagulation (I’m not willing to try IVIg again) so it doesn’t really matter.
Claudia is really hurting - she came home from church last night in tears, stories of people killing baby boys & babies in baskets - the only thing that will fix it is another baby and obviously it isn’t that easy.
Pretty sure tomorrow will be CD1, 14 days after positive OPK & I think I ovulated the same day as the positive which gives me a LP of 13-14 days. I think we might ‘try’ this cycle. We’re being seen at the big university fetal medicine centre in a couple of weeks, although I doubt they’ll say anything different. I’ve also be asked to be referred back to the recurrent loss clinic (the one who didn’t want to treat me last time), I’m hoping that they can be persuaded to do a couple of monitored cycles, I’d like to get the query PCOS issue resolved.
tomorrow. We have the post-mortem results appointment this week. I’m trying to get my shit togther so we actually get the stuff we need done - you wouldn’t belive the trouble we’ve had with drs not doing things they promised they would. We’ve got three complaints pending.
I got a nearly positive OPK this morning, don’t think I’m going to test again, we’re not ‘trying’. Life’s just grand 
Doing lots of crying again.
Our second son, Toby (Tobias Patrick), was born on the 14th July at 16+5 weeks.
He is beautiful, adored & missed terribly.
I’m trying to be brave.
We think the baby has died - no heart beat & no movements - but we can’t get a scan to confirm it until tomorrow morning.
I’m broken.
15+5. Sick as a dog (3-4 times a day) really suffering, very emotional. In denial (familiar?), not sleeping.
Feeling a little movement - placenta is anterior - doppler-ing every 3-4 days. HR was 155 when I checked earlier.
I think it is a girl.
Waiting for referral to bereavement specialist - what with having issues and all.
No preamble; had a scan at 7+4. There was a baby, with a heart beat & it & the sac were the correct size. There’s be no further bleeding, my EDD is December the 28th.
Good, right?
There are a number of logistical challenges that come with the possibility of a third child. Good things, but things that need to be planned for in good time - like now.
See the problem?
I won’t have another scan until 12 weeks - and as of today (9+1), baby refuses to play ball with the doppler. Well either that or it’s dead. I don’t like being placed under pressure to make decision based on the presumption of a live baby in 31 weeks.
And I feel ill … really, really shit. Worse than last time. It doesn’t seem right that I could be hosting a dead embryo & feel this ill, but of course it is perfectly feasible.I feel sick sometimes & my boobs hurt.
I said we’re not having betas well I’m also not having any meds. I had another complete miscarriage profile done (this was the 4th) and it was normal. No APS - I’ve had three normal & one almost borderline (i.e. normal) - so no heparin, I’m still breastfeeding so no aspirin, PCO but ovulating so no metformin, not testing NKs this time (the only times they’ve been abnormal was while stimming with E2 levels >12,000) so no steroids (wouldn’t have IVIg again), no progesterone, no betas, no FBCs.
If it all goes horribly wrong will it be my fault? Being conservative, looking at the evidence, being fool-hardy? They treated my on the basis of my history - that hasn’t changed.
Three weeks two days until the scan & I’m scared already. I’d like not to have a scan at all - be happy & ignorant & normal.
I’m not angst ridden, I feel happy for as long as it may last.
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